You Just Might Be a Bibliophile
What is a bibliophile? If you already know the answer to that question, you most likely are one, and there is no need for you to read further in this column. Although it might sound like someone who belongs in prison, a bibliophile is actually a lover and collector of books. How do you know if you are a bibliophile? Take this self-assessment test and then score yourself as described below:
- Has the library offered to upgrade your library card to platinum? [no, but they do have to replace it every few months because it gets so worn out]
- Do you have a stack of books on your night stand high enough to be considered an architectural wonder? [yup. its the leaning tower of books...]
- Do you have enough rewards points from your Amazon.com purchases to fly free to Europe? [I would if I joined thier points progam]
- Do you ask strangers, "What's that you're reading?" [I did this afternoon]
- Do you have more than 100 cubic yards of bookshelf space, but wish you had more? [never enough room for books]
- Do librarians ask you if they can borrow a book? [no, but they ask me for recommendations all the time]
- Are you on a first-name basis with the sales clerks at Borders? [I would be if we had a Borders here]
- Do you feel naked without a book somewhere on your person? [yes!]
- Does the smell of a new book make you woozy? [yup]
- Does the smell of an old book make you woozy? [uh...no, not really]
- Have you ever hugged a book? [I'm sad to admit it, but yes]
- Do you have more books loaned out than most people own? [probably. I lost count]
- Have you ever hidden under your covers with a flashlight so you could read just one more chapter, undetected? [many, many times]
- Do you own just the right number of books to last your lifetime (that is, if you live to be 307)? [or longer, maybe...]
- Have you ever camped out for a book release? [no, but I've thought about it for Harry Potter]
- Do you have your name on the library waiting list for more than a dozen books at a time? [only a dozen? try 30...]
- Are you ever frustrated with your friends or relatives because they do not behave as predictably as literary characters? [life would be so much easier if this were the case]
- Have you ever tucked a novel inside of another book to disguise what you are reading? [yeah, so my professor doesn't know I'm not studying shark anatomy]
- Do you have stacks of books in places that most normal people would not stack them (e.g. on the back of the toilet, in old milk crates, under the legs of furniture, in the glove compartment, on top of the television, in unused bathtubs)? [does in a dresser drawer count?]
- Have you ever replied, "Too many books? How could a person ever have too many books?" [more times than you think]
Count the number of questions to which your response is "yes". Use the scale below to determine your bibliophilic tendencies.
0 - 5 What are you doing on an author website, anyway? You must have browsed here by accident. Perhaps you were searching for Hannon Shale, a sedimentary rock from the Precambrian Period.
6 - 10 You have a healthy regard for books. You feel for them the way you would an esteemed distant relative or a trusted counselor. You are in little danger of being overrun by books, but you are probably a card-carrying library patron.
11 - 15 You love books, but fortunately for you, there is a good chance you will remain sane. Your bibliophilia is borderline, but not yet at the pathological stage.
16 - 20 Sorry to say that it is too late for you. You are certifiable. You love books the way Augustus Gloop loves chocolate. Resign yourself to the fact that books will consume your life. Or, rather, you will consume books with reckless abandon verging on insanity throughout your life.